If you feel like dying you might wanna sing.

Ever had the feeling the moment you open your eyes in the morning,that that day would be a fucking terrible day? Well that`s the feeling I have most days.. Even though it`s snowing,wich I love,I feel like crap. It`s like the little things don`t mather anymore. And that`s such a bad thing `cause it`s the smalest things that makes everything everything.
I love reading books by Paulo Coelho. Or at least I used to. One of the few ways to escape the present. But now,now the books just lay there collecting dust. I look at them and I don`t get the feeling I used to. I try to write poems,but I feel like the emotions and words are all trapped behind something big and strong. Like a wall. And I can`t seem to get that wall away. It just keep getting bigger and stronger each hour. The only thing that still gives me the feeling it used to,like no other feeling in the world,is music. It keeps me on the "safe" road. The road I don`t think I would be on if there were no music in my life. I would probably be even further ahead on the road towards hell.
Even though all that`s just speculations,there is a very good chance that that`s the truth.

Somedays,or actually most days,almost every day now,I keep whispering "Please God,no more". But it dose`nt seem like he or she is listening though.. That`s one of the reasons I`m very skeptic about if there is a God or not. Sure I do belive that there`s more than the eye it self can see,but I wont belive in God until he/she gives me proof. It dose`nt have to be a big thing,just something involving me that would convince me. I can`t think of anything myself,but if God is such a genius person he/she can figure it out...
One more thing,how come people I belive belong in my life,live so far away? It seems like it always has to be either that way or that way. And I do not (mark my words) like it.

It`s 6 days until my birthday. Until I turn 21. Yaicks. I really,really don`t wanna be 21. Not because of the age 21 it self. It`s just because after I turned 18,I feel like the world speeded up a little bit. And I can`t even imagine how fast the days would go by when I turn 21. Panic!
I don`t like being forced to be around people. It dose`nt mather if it is my family or whatever. I do not like it. If I`m not in the mood,I`m not in the mood. I can`t help it. But this Thursday,I have to force myself,or my mom is actually forcing me to have guests over. My grandma,aunts and my cousins. I guess my uncels are just to busy. And I`m glad they are.
My mom is at work to 8 am that evening. And that puts me in the entertainer spot. Fuck! I`m already having bad feelings about that.

I want to move out! This is just to unprivate for me. Living at home is just to dependent. I wanna be independent. And I can`t be just as much independent as I wish living at home. I`m actually considering applying to schools up north,as far away and different to this place you can get it in Norway. It`s time for me to grow into the person I`m ment to become..

A reminder of a great song to you all: Skillet - Comatose..

To you all: Happy holidays!
(I`ll leave you with a "card" I made when I was bored)